her poor old body had been failing her for months, and she got to the point where she was unable to walk without assistance.  the weekend before we made the agonizing decision to put her to sleep, one of her eyes spontaneously went cloudy – almost like she went suddenly blind.  she was incontinent and fell all the time.   we were so worried about leaving her on her own, worried she’d fall or run into something and hurt herself.  and she was so upset with her condition.  nikki was a very strong, independent girl, and her body left her a long time ago.

it’s been really hard without her.  matt took it hard also – he was nikki’s favorite human after my dad moved, and she was his girl.  the house is really quiet, and even after three weeks our minds still trick us into thinking we hear her or that i need to step over her when i get up at night.  yesterday, a dog passed us at the dog park that looked like her from behind, and my heart stopped.  this dog was more than just a dog to us.  she was a creature that took care of us, and we miss her so.

what makes me even sadder is the fact that our babies will never know her, and vice versa.  but the world keeps going and my belly keeps growing.

there’s a bit of a shadow here, but you get the idea.  someday i’ll learn the tricks of photoshop to correct things like that.

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that’s right, mr. halloran and i are expecting.  that you see there is our nugget.  or d-nugg as my sister affectionately refers to it as.  we are 14 weeks now, and this is the strangest thing in the world.  there’s really no nice way to say this – i’ve felt like shit lately.  absolutely exhausted, sick every hour and a half if i don’t stuff my face, my body is doing weird things, i’m too tired to do things i enjoy, and i’m a little terrified.  or a lot terrified.  i’ve always been the one to be excited about having a baby and being a mom – i like responsible things – while mr. halloran has always been a little tentative.  when he stopped being tentative, we started trying, and then we got pregnant and all i could think about is how our lives are going to change.  we’re pretty selfish people – myself in particular – with our time.  we like to do our own thing on our own terms.  i myself really thrive on that.  and now there’s going to be a little one thrown into the mix that’s going to change all that.  we’re excited, don’t get me wrong.  but i’m nervous.  i think i’m allowed to say that?  having babies is heavy.

i’m finally coming out of the cloud of exhaustion and have felt so good this weekend that i went skiing not once but twice (!).  i’ve been writing people back and talking on the phone and reading books and i’m a little bit back to my old self.  which feels good.  and i think that will ease my fears a little bit.  hooo-eeee.  things are going to be a’ changin’ around here.

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sophie’s thankful too, for food, naps, and for finally getting over her little cough.

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i’ll get to my favorite part of the weekend in a moment, but first, ice skating pictures!  this was somewhat of an adventure, as the lights went out in the ice arena while the kids were skating!  i didn’t get to witness the chaos as i experienced my own bit of chaos in the grocery store starbucks which also suffered a power outage, but apparently it was especially traumatic for the kiddos.

sammer and friend:

nora and my sister skating away:

clearly not too traumatized by the power outage:

okay, now on to the highlight of the weekend.

notice anything?

i kind of sort of timed my visit to coincide with ira glass speaking at the university of wyoming!  ira glass is my favorite public radio personality – he’s the host of this american life which is a radio show carried by public radio stations that picks a theme every week and hosts regular people with amazing stories that go along with that theme.  the show is seriously the best.  i have never, ever listened to an episode i didn’t like.  and there’s something about their story productions that makes you never want to change the channel when you’re listening.  seriously, go listen online.  they’re the best.

the most fabulous part about the whole thing was that my dad treated us to a vip reception before the show, in which ira glass schmoozed with all the local public radio elite.  which means my sister and i totally got to meet him!  you see, meeting ira glass is like my equivalent of meeting brad pitt or ryan gosling or whoever the hunky-dude-of-the-moment is.  so, so fun.  the downside of a public radio event involving public radio elite is everyone thinks it’s quite uncouth to ask the man for a picture, so all i got was a picture of his backside while chatting.  but look at how charmed all the ladies are!

my sister and i before the show:

and a terrible photo of ira on stage as taken by my iphone:

what does a guy who hosts a radio show talk about when he speaks to crowd, you ask?  he spoke of how they create each show – how they select each store – what makes a good story.  his talk was actually quite fascinating.  there really is something about his show that makes it so you can’t turn away, and the reason for that is ira’s and his producers’ profound skills for storytelling.  he played clips of the show from an ipad he carried around on stage, and made his talk sound like an episode of the show – very neat.

anyway, it was a really wonderful weekend.  thanks sister for the fabulous time and company (and all the eggs on toast).  and thanks dad for such a memorable evening.

go listen to this american life now, you won’t be disappointed.

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listening: cleopatra by stacy schiff on audiobook.  i’m really not a fan of history, nor biographies, but this is book club’s selection this month and by golly i’m going to participate.
eating: there’s focaccia in the oven and minestrone on the stove.
drinking: agua.
wearing: the sweats i was wearing yesterday (it’s sunday, okay?).
feeling: mr. halloran is weatherizing right now, and this makes me sad.
weather: pleasant.
wanting: the upcoming week to be done.
needing: absolutely nothing.
thinking: about all the books i need to read.
enjoying: a quiet sunday at home.
wondering: should i finish chores or read?

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we spent the first day with our pal saikat (his last name is actually pal – ha).  he works for stanford and gave us a fabulous tour of campus.  wonderful to see him, and stanford is incredibly beautiful.  the only photos i took there were inside the campus church, which is quite spectaculor.

that evening we went to jenny’s home for a rehearsal dinner that included THE BEST PAELLA OF MY LIFE.

the next day, bridal shower brunch and girls getting ready ensued.  the wedding was small and sweet – the ceremony took place at a lovely little b&b in half moon bay which jenny and her new husband kindly hosted as at for two nights (mill rose inn).

the happy couple, stolen from facebook:

and mr. halloran and i living it up at the reception, also stolen from facebook:

the next day involved running around the coast and spending the evening in tiburon, which was a delightful (ritzy) little town.

and finally on our last day, we attempted to fulfill mr. halloran’s lifelong dream of seeing a whale with a little whale watching trip.  we saw two gray whales, but i think it was a bit of a letdown for the mr.  he expected them to be closer and more spectacular, but unfortunately they were far away and didn’t do anything exciting besides breathe.  also of note, i got puked on by a stranger (thanks for puking when there are people downwind from you, mrs. stranger).  but we still had a nice time on the water and seeing the farralon islands – it was a really beautiful day.

you can kind of see the whale we saw in this one:

sure wouldn’t mind going back.

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i made this duvet using one of amy butler’s free patterns.  i think it turned out pretty well.  it cost around $60-$70 for the front fabric, and i used the back of our old duvet for the back (plus i have a bit leftover for some random little projects).  it was pretty easy, but cutting all those rectangles took for-ev-er.

i’m pretty much a sucker for gray + yellow.

that’s our teeny tiny bedroom.  mr. halloran is working on new bedside tables for us, so we’re getting a major upgrade shortly.

we had what felt like our first days of fall this weekend.  i’m not ready.  but a cozy duvet helps.

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this photo was taken on my mom’s 61st birthday at luna in spokane, two weeks before she died.  she and my dad came up to spokane to celebrate with matt and i (what i wouldn’t give for one more of those visits – my parents were so kind and visited me frequently).  while matt was able to spend time with my mom three times in total, it’s the only photo i have of mr. halloran with her.

my family is celebrating in different ways today.  my brother and greg in nyc, and mr. halloran and i here in spokane, will be visiting one of her favorite restaurants and ordering her favorite dish – the riblets.  (sidenote: my mother was a brilliant, cultured academic that loved things that didn’t quite fit the bill of that type of persona, such as applebee’s, casinos, and movies with crazy special effects.  it makes me laugh a little.)  my dad and mhairi will also be eating ribs at home.  i haven’t talked to my sister today, but i’m sure she’s doing something to remember her as well.

i miss my mother every single day –  but it’s these kinds of milestone days that make me miss her even more.  she probably would’ve hated turning 65 – as does any woman, i’m sure – but i’m sure she would have shared a glass of wine with my dad, celebrated with dinner with us, and taken some time to look into the woods and landscape around our house on the palouse to contemplate how thankful she was for this life.

love you mama.

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we stayed at wolfgardens in sagle, id, not far from where we were married.  the host, annemarie, was very friendly and kind, and the place was very clean.  but the best part was that on the adjacent property was a five acre enclosure of domesticated wolves.  we could hear them howling at night, and annemarie gave us a tour of their home on sunday morning.  i’d never been so close to wolves before, and i loved them!  they’re so pretty and majestic.  i can’t believe anyone would hunt them – they seem like smarter, wild dogs (which they pretty much are, aren’t they?).  it’s hard to believe a pug evolved from them!

we finished with a morning bike ride around lake pend oreille.  perfect.

thanks leigh, pete, jason, and leah.

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